by Willie Muhammad

(Brother Jesse Blog) Peace family. I am not a big fan of reading long blogs and discussions about relationships can be very extensive. So in order to not violate my own personal preference I want to write as much as I can about what I consider Relationship Essentials, using as few words as possible. While doing so I pray that what is written is found to be beneficial.

1 – The God Connection. The Hon. Louis Farrakhan once said, “Neither male nor female can fulfill their relationships to each other until they are first properly connected to the source of all creation, which is God… It is our disconnection from God that is at the root of failing and improper relationships between man and woman.” When asked about the key to success in his own marriage the Minister attributed the success to God and said the following, “First, the love of Allah has to be uppermost in our hearts and mind. This allows us to struggle with our strengths and weaknesses to become one.”

2 – Learn About the Natures of Men and Women. There is so much research that shows how the nature of men and women influences how we talk, how we listen, how we handle stress and what needs to be done to help us feel appreciated and emotionally fulfilled. When we are ignorant of these differences we are setting ourselves up for destruction, as mentioned by the Hon. Louis Farrakhan. “The natures of male and female are different, but they are meant to complement each other. In the absence of knowledge, the different natures of male and female can work destructively against the self and against the union of both.” Some good places to begin are lectures by the Minister. In addition to those I would suggest the reading ofMen Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus series written by John Gray. His books further explain the differences in our natures.

3 – Evaluate YOURSELF in past relationships. What do I mean? Reflect on all of the relationships you have been in. Then write down everything that you did or didn’t do that contributed to the failure of that relationship. Don’t write down anything about what the other person did. This is about you. Once you have done so, see if any of those qualities, thought patterns and behaviors are still a part of you. This is important because old habits that have not been addressed will return to ruin new relationships.

4 – Be That Which You Want to Attract. I have heard people say, “They want someone who is honest, trustworthy, punctual and expressive.” Yet they don’t reflect what they desire in a mate. For some it’s hard to believe that we attracted those people we had negative relationships with. This point is also connected to point 3.

5 – Don’t Wait. The Hon. Elijah Muhammad said that everything we need to know can be found in a book. With that being the case, why don’t we invest the time to learn from the research and the experience of others as it relates to this very critical aspect of our lives? For example, the Hon. Louis Farrakhan has done numerous lectures on the subjects of male/female relationships, the principles of courtship and marriage. However, there are people within our Nation who have entered into or desire to enter into relationships, courtships and marriages and have not done more than a casual listening or viewing of any of his lectures. Such behavior is a formula for failure.

Look forward to your reading feedback.

(Student Minister Willie Muhammad is the New Orleans representative of the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan and Nation of Islam. Follow him on Twitter http://twitter.com/#!/BroWM46)

By DiLauris Muhammad

How many times have we heard someone say that they are waiting for “Mr or Mrs Right?”  The word right according to Websters New World Dictionary means:

 Upright, virtuous, correct, fitting, suitable etc.

If this is what we are looking for, why is it that we so often end up in abusive, infidelity laden and controlling relationships?  We seem to settle for who is “Mr or Mrs Right” for right now!

We make lists of the attributes that we believe we want in a mate. I want a man/woman who:

is tall, with beautiful teeth, has a six pack, has curly hair, is light skinned, has a good job, has no children, owns their home, has a nice car…

When I look at the attributes of the word right, rarely do any of it’s  characteristics make it on our lists.  It seems that there is a very critical element missing from our search for this ever elusive “Mr or Mrs Right!”

Could it be the God factor?  Upright, virtuous, correct, fitting, suitable! These are attributes of Godliness.   A Godly thinking and behaving man and woman  desires to “wait on God”.  Not in a spooky sense, but in the sense that we must be found preparing ourselves for this type of relationship.  This way when “Mr or Mrs Right” are made manifest, we are ready to receive them and be received by them.

I respectfully submit that we should build in ourselves and look for in “Mr or Mrs Right” prayer, charity, patience, trustworthiness, family values, stability (mental, emotional and financial), honorable character, respectfulness, attitude toward children and their mate, just to name a few!

When we start a relationship off thinking “I can change him/her” trouble will soon be at our door.  There will be little quirks about a person which will surface regardless of our approach.  Like, they chew funny, place the toilet paper on the roll backwards, they leave the toilet seat up, pick their nose… (smile)

These are just small things in the major scheme of a relationship between male and females.

The Most Honorable Elijah Muhammad teaches that “where there are no decent women there are no decent men.”  When a woman sets the right standard, we will call that “Mr Right” out of him and into our life.  This in turn allows for us to be that ”Mrs Right” for him.

If there is truly any such thing as a soulmate, perhaps it is in us being desirous of a mate that feeds our soul.

By Deric Muhammad (Source: FinalCall.com) – If Jesus came back to save the world how would he be received if he chose to show up in a “hoodie?” If the “cover of darkness” that he decided to come under were a Black fleece hooded sweatshirt and he arbitrarily walked in and sat on the back row of the church, synagogue or the mosque, how would we respond? These are questions that swim around in my head every winter when I pull my hoodies out and decide that I don’t want my bald head to freeze over. There is something about a young, Black male in a hoodie that makes everyone want to double check to make sure their doors are locked when in reality some of us are just trying to keep our ears warm.

As a member of the Nation of Islam, I was trained to wear a suit practically every day. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad dressed his followers in business attire, because he wanted to prepare us to meet with the business people of the entire world. He also taught us that “opposites attract”; that we should not go among our people offering what we have been taught looking exactly as they do. These are profound lessons that every Black man in America can benefit from.

When I am “dressed up” in a custom suit, I am usually treated with some form of distinction. White people can’t help but at some point ask “excuse me, sir, you look so sharp and well-spoken, what do you do?” That’s their way of saying with political correctness, “you don’t look like the rest of the nigg**s.” If I am recognized for my activist role in the community, I am sometimes treated with some form of honor. However, when I am “dressed down” in my jeans, sneakers and my “hoodie,” I get the opportunity to see how young Black males are treated for real. People double-lock their doors, clutch their pocketbooks, decide to wait for “the next elevator” and can be generally rude. It’s a more profound experience when you change from your three-piece suit to your hoodie on the same day. It’s as if the world becomes a different place. And while I recognize the power of presentation and how wearing a suit and tie can afford you some visible advantages, I also recognize that not every brother has a suit or tie and I am more concerned about the way my people are treated “dressed down” than the way I am treated “dressed up.”

I know what some of you are thinking. Some of you are thinking this treatment is justified, because “these youngsters just need to pull up their pants.” I agree, in part. Walking around with your boxer stains on display is not the way to earn respect. But, the truth is we feel this way because the Black male image has been hijacked, repackaged and villainized by the mass media. When we see a Black male wearing a hoodie, we automatically think of “O-Dog” from the movie “Menace to Society” shooting the owner of a convenience store because he said something about his mother.

We don’t look at the man in the hoodie and think “Wow, I wonder if that’s Brother Deric under there.” The reality is, it just might be.

And a more important reality is that the biggest thieves, murderers and robbers in the country wear suits, not hoodies. You should be even more afraid when you see them coming.

Read full article here.

By Jesse Muhammad (Re-posted From Houston Belief)

There is no way to sugarcoat it.

Everyone should be upset about this.

This is not an isolated incident. Profiling Black men and boys is American as NCAA March Madness.

However, this is the real madness: Trayvon Martin is dead simply because he was Black.

As I keep listening to the audio of the 911 calls related to the Feb. 26 shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, it’s disheartening.

George Zimmerman, a self-appointed neighborhood watch captain in a gated community in Sanford, Florida, decided to snuff out Trayvon’s life with a bullet to the chest because he deemed him “suspicious.”

In his 911 call, Zimmerman told the dispatcher that it was a Black male and “he looks like he’s on drugs and up to no good….It’s raining. He’s just walking around, looking about. He just staring looking at all the houses.”

The dispatcher told him not to pursue the person and Zimmerman is recorded saying ““These a**holes always get away.”

Zimmerman disregarded those instructions and decided to engage Trayvon. He admitted to police that he shot Trayvon, but claimed it was in self-defense. He has been able to dodge being put behind bars simply by telling the police that he acted in self-defense? His word is that good, huh?

However, if you listen to the 911 calls made by witnesses, you can hear the cries of a young boy just before a gunshot is let off.

The cries went mute…

Florida is one of many states to have passed some form of “Stand Your Ground” law in which self-defense is asserted against a charge of criminal homicide. This Central Florida case has people questioning this “Go-Ahead-Make-My-Day-I-Have-A-License-To-Kill” legislation.

Why does it seem like the Sanford Police has been trying to protect Zimmerman? Why did it takem them so long to release the 911 tapes? What made Trayvon suspicious? What made him a threat? If Trayvon was the aggressor and presented danger why is he crying out for help on the 911 tapes?

Trayvon weighed 140 lbs. He was armed with a bag of Skittles and a can of ice tea while walking back from a nearby 7-Eleven convenience store. He is said to have been wearing a hood on his head because it was drizzling. Are we missing something here?

Trayvon had dreams of being an aviation mechanic. One day he could have been working on Air Force One or even sitting onboard in the seat of Barack Obama as the next President of the United States. We will never know.

With all we have to deal with, Black men are not even safe in a gated community patrolled by a neighborhood watch leader?

Let’s flip the script: Had Trayvon been the shooter, would he have been given a pass with the self-defense claim? I highly doubt it. No way a Black man could be acting in self-defense, right?

What is Black life worth in America? Less than a dog, because I’ve seen man’s best friend get much better treatment and advocacy than us. This is not race-baiting, this is just a fact.

Ask the families of Emmett Till, Oscar Grant, Troy Davis, Sean Bell, James C. Anderson, Brandon McClelland and Amadou Diallo.

No matter how much people try to shove the concept down our throats, this is not a post-racial America. This broken system of America is a joke to the fullest and could care less about giving justice to the Black people within its borders.

The more I listen to the cries of Trayvon on those 911 tapes, the more I keep thinking about my little nephew Jacobi. He’s one of the most highly intelligent boys you would ever meet. In the photo below he’s wearing this hood on his head at a Black Male Summit we hosted in Houston last year.

He would be a target of racial profiling if he was dressed like this walking the streets late at night or even just walking into a department store. Yet at that summit his responses to questions during workshops left degreed presenters in suits and ties in awe.

Jacobi could have been Trayvon Martin.

He is Trayvon Martin.

We’re all Trayvon Martin.

I am Trayvon Martin.

***If you would like to join the call for justice in the Trayvon Martin case sign the online petition. Also a national rally is scheduled to take place on March 26 @ 5pm EST in front of Sanford’s City Hall at 300 N. Park Ave, Sanford, FL.***

(Be sure to follow Brother Jesse Muhammad on Twitter @BrotherJesse or visit his award-winning blog http://jessemuhammad.blogs.finalcall.com/)

By: Sadiyah Evangelista

If you are like the rest of the world, we have been watching the tawdry details of the Chris Brown and Rihanna domestic abuse saga right in our living rooms. We are so entrenched into the details of this case it has become pure “gossip” entertainment for us daily.  Yet, as I read and watched all these “credible” CNN news media reports on this “Chris Brown and Rihanna wreckage” I had this gut feeling inside of me which said, “Rihanna is going to reunite back with her abuser no matter how beat down she was physically, because mentally she was just as beat down.”  Then I ask myself, why do victims of abuse “most of the time reunite with their abusers? I asked this question because about 10 years ago I found myself in a physically abusive relationship telling myself for a year I am never going back, but I did. I always said no man would ever put his hands on me, but here I was a 24-year-old new bride dealing with the very thing I said I will never tolerate. I think from the very moment the first physical altercation occurred to the very last, I planned on leaving literally about twenty something times, but just couldn’t. I thought.

In this article I will first illustrate the statistics of domestic violence nationally and for the State of Texas from the U.S. Department of Justice published June 12^th, 2005.  I will also explain some of the factors of why women stay with their domestic abusers.

One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.  One in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape.  An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. The majority (73%) of family violence victims are female. Females were 84% of spousal abuse victims and 86% of abuse victims at the hands of a boyfriend. The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services. Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.

Family violence accounted for 11 percent of all reported and unreported violence between 1998 and 2002. Of these offenses against family members, 49 percent were a crime against a spouse, 11 percent a parent attacking a child, and 41 percent an offense against another family member.

Seventy-three percent of family violence victims were female and 76 percent of persons who committed family violence were male. Simple assault was the most frequent type of family violence.

One of the most frustrating things for people outside an abusive relationship is trying to understand why a woman doesn’t just leave. On average, an abused woman will leave her partner 6-8 times (Remember it took me about 20+, I stopped counting). The reasons they return or stay in the relationship vary from case to case.

Lack of resources, responses by services and authorities, and traditional thinking by the victim, abuser or those surrounded by the abused woman, are the main reasons that compel a woman to continue in her abusive relationship.

When dealing with lack of resources, most abused women have at least one minor child. Many are not employed outside the home nor have property that is solely theirs. In many cases, abusers have cut off access to cash or bank accounts. Most abused women fear losing joint assets and custody of their children.  Ultimately, abused women fear a lower standard of living for themselves and their children.

Many times abused women will try to empower themselves and seek help outside of the home only to be placed back into the fists of the abuser. Often, clergy and social workers are trained to “save the family” rather than to stop violence, hence the victim trusting in the “wise” guidance of the preacher returns to hell at home.

Too frequently, police treat incidents of domestic violence as mere “disputes” rather than as serious crimes in which one person is physically assaulting another. Police may try to discourage women from pressing criminal charges. Attorneys are often reluctant to prosecute cases because many of the women recant and there is not sufficient evidence to pursue the case. Justices rarely assign the maximum sentence or fine possible. Restraining orders and peace bonds do little to prevent abusers from repeating their violent patterns of behavior.

Sadly, there are too few shelters to keep women safe.

Finally, because of victim’s traditional way of thinking, an abused woman will hold herself mentally hostage to a relationship that could ultimately kill her or her children.  Many women don’t view divorce as a viable alternative. Many abused women don’t accept the notion of single parenting. They believe a bad father is better than none at all.

Many abused women are conditioned to believe they are responsible for making their marriage or relationship work; that if the relationship fails, they have failed as women. Society has often taught these women that their worth is measured by their ability to get and keep a man.

Many abused women feel isolated from their families and from society. Isolation is either the result of the abuser’s possessiveness or jealousy, or it may be an attempt on the part of the victim to hide signs of abuse from the outside world. Either way, such isolation leads many victims to feel they have nowhere to turn.

Drugs or alcohol were involved in 39 percent of family violence victimizations. In 20 percent of family violence incidents, the offender had a weapon.

About four in 10 family violence victimizations did not come to police attention between 1998 and 2002. Thirty-four percent of victims of unreported family violence said they did not tell law enforcement officials about the matter because it was private or personal. Another 12 percent said they did not report it to protect the offender.

Fifty-eight percent of family murder victims were female, and 26 percent were under age 18. Among murdered children under age 13, 66 percent were killed by a family member.  Eighty-three percent of those who killed a spouse were males, as were 75 percent of those who killed a boyfriend or girlfriend.

In Texas alone, in the year 2005 there were 187,811 incidents of family violence in 2005. There were 12,356 adults living in domestic violence shelters in 2006. There were 8,511 forcible rapes. There were 120 homicides as a result of domestic violence in Texas in 2006. Of those 120 domestic violence homicides in Texas, 43% were committed by a spouse and 24% were committed by a dating partner. Six children were killed in Texas as a result of domestic violence in 2006.

Often, victims externalize or rationalize the reasons for their abuser’s behavior, casting blame of circumstances such as stress, financial hardship, job stress, chemical dependency, etc. Between violent episodes, there are periods of calm during which the abuser is charming, nurturing, and caring. Those traits which initially attracted him/her to his/her victim resurface and the victim sees her abuser as a loving person, thereby reinforcing her decision to stay.

Why women stay in abusive relationships as you can see is an extremely complex issue, and it has no single, straightforward answer.  Many women believe they can’t leave their abusers. We can judge these women but remember, if you look to your left or to your right, someone you know or even you have experienced this abuse. However, as dismal the statistics may seem and as hopeless as the rationale of why women stay with their abusers is, there is hope, there is protection and there is Supreme guidance that will allow a woman to break free from the vicious cycle of her abuser.  She will learn to know that she can leave him, safely and securely no matter what she is enduring at this time.  I did.

God willing, these words will help those in these vicious cycles break free to see beyond their current predicament and/or circumstances to have freedom, justice and equality as it concerns domestic violence.

Sister Sadiyah Evangelista

One-On-One with Ishmael Muhammad 

Ebony S. Muhammad (EM): I was approached with this question, and I personally didn’t feel qualified to answer this. Therefore, I would like to ask you.  A brother shared with me that his niece was in class, and the instructor was discussing the importance of not allowing anyone to touch them inappropriately and explained what that meant. The instructor also made a point in saying that this was not to be done even if it’s one of their parents.  The niece raised her hand and stated that her father would never do anything like that, but if he asked her to she would, because that’s her father.  I’ve never heard of someone voluntarily allowing themselves to be abused especially by their parent.  The way it was brought to me, was that she understood what was being discussed, because her father brought it to his brother instructing him that if he ever thought about doing something like that to his daughter to take his life.  This may explain the rising numbers of cases with child abuse.  My question is how should parents approach their children about being inappropriately touched or mishandled by not only strangers but by family members including the parents?  At what age should the parents begin having these discussions with their children? How can this form of abuse be prevented?

Ishmael Muhammad (IM):  Well I think that virtue has to be taught and given to our young girls from the moment they begin to communicate and they are able to receive and understand what we communicate to them. I can’t put an age on it, but I think that the virtue of the female has to be given to her at a very early age so that she will know her extreme value as a woman. The same should be communicated with the protection and value of the male. Of course greater attention should be taken to the female.  I think that mothers should teach their daughters of their virtue and of their value.  It may be that the young girl has a relationship with her father where she has confidence and trust in her father, but this would be something for you to look deeper into for her to respond that way.  It would seem to me that maybe she did not understand clearly of what she was saying in that she would give permission and allow her father to violate and abuse her in that way.  Does the father raise the child? There is more that we need to look at.  As we were taught, the Honorable Elijah Muhammad prohibited us, as fathers, to touch our daughters and that it was the mother’s responsibility. I’m sure as you already know when the Minister shared that with us that when he took that to the Honorable Elijah Muhammad it was a shock to him and it’s a shock to most men.

Of course when you have single-parent homes today when there are many male fathers who are doing their best to live up to the responsibility of a father, and they have daughters that they are caring for that puts an enormous amount of pressure on them. One could not say in that situation that they should not touch their daughters if, in fact, they are left to have to care for their daughters.  I know many single fathers who comb the hair of their daughters and prepare them for school.

EM: They have to be that nurturer.

IM: Yes. It’s not the ideal situation, but what are you going to tell him.  You can’t put your hands on your daughter. He doesn’t have anyone, but he better know that that girl is sacred, and he better not have any satanic thoughts.

EM: In regards to a father-daughter relationship, what do you believe is inappropriate?  I have seen fathers kiss their daughters on the lips, and sit them on their laps.  I’ve seen men take their daughters to the restroom, not a woman’s restroom because they didn’t want to go in as a man. What type of behaviors that some may think are common or normal would be inappropriate as a father and daughter?

IM: Those men that do that lack the knowledge of the nature of the female, and to expose a young girl in that way is dangerous because you are making that young girl to be comfortable around men. The father is the first male in the girl’s life, and how the father relates to the girl is generally the standard and criteria by which the girl relates to other men in her life. The female, who is naturally inclined and is the compliment of the male, is given that kind of level of comfort and familiarity. Then you find where that is acceptable behavior the girl, when there’s other male members of the family around, she goes right over and sits on their lap or she’ll spread her legs. However, that’s all based upon what her father, as the male, has permitted and has given her the impression that this is okay and acceptable.  Now all you have to do is magnify that and take it from the four year old girl, to the six year old girl, now fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen. Now you’ve made her to feel comfortable in the hands of another man.  That’s dangerous, and of course in Islam this is not permitted.

As a father, I kiss my daughters on the cheek or forehead.  I will hug them, but I am respectful of my daughters.  My daughters are now 21 and 17 years old.  They’re so loving, and if I am distressed or seem to be suffering from any discomfort, their nature is to console and to provide some comfort to the man. In this case it’s the father. She may put her hand on my forehand. She may grab my hand and say, “Dad, it’ll be ok”. It’s the nature, but there are laws now in that nature that you have to always be on guard with. Yet, it starts at a very, very young age not letting that female feel comfortable in the presence of other men.  The father, the first man in her life…all other relationships will be dependent upon by the relationship she has with her father.

EM: I received an email that contained a video of a group of children who were at a party.  They couldn’t have been more than 11 or 12 years old.  I could see the mothers standing around with balloons and cameras.  Then the music came on, and as soon as the beat dropped they started to dance with one another.  They were dancing in couples in sexually suggestive ways.  There were about ten couples of children doing this.  To see children like that, to me, is another form of abuse. To see the mothers standing there cheering them on, telling them to keep going, and to see them laughing and clapping is another form of abuse to me. There was one couple that slowed down or became disinterested, and one mother came from the side to put them back together. When you have people who think that it’s normal or cute to see children do those things with one another, that is abuse to me. 

IM: As you know we’re in Satan’s world and this is the culture. It’s a Satanic culture and it influences the behavior of our people and the aim of the enemy has always been from the beginning to get to the woman. When we see something like that it saddens us. We’re embarrassed to see our women to urge our sisters to participate in that behavior, but that’s because they are ignorant.  I was thinking while you were asking the question how Satan, in the Holy Quran, makes mischief with the created things. So he takes that which is natural and he makes mischief with it to turn it in such a way that fulfills his purpose.  Look at how girls relate to each other naturally.  Girls will hold each other’s hands; girls will play with each other if it’s dancing or whatever. They will do so in a very righteous and civil way.  If a girl is sad or suffering, another girl will comfort her, wipe her tears, and comb her hair.  This is what girls do. Now Satan comes in that, what is natural in a woman giving comfort and support to another woman in her distress, her moment of pain, discomfort and loss. He takes that which is natural, because he could not do it unless they already had some natural inclination towards each other. So all he does is corrupts it and puts an activity for them to engage in to cause them to bring shame to themselves, shame to their families.  The Honorable Elijah Muhammad in the Muhammad Speaks had in all of his articles a drawing of a White woman with her daughter and a Black woman with her daughter. Both of them have short dresses on, and over the one with the White woman he has “The Shame”, and over the Black woman and her daughter he has “The Disgrace”.  It’s showing how our women are living the lifestyle and following after the example of the White woman and the way she rear her girls.  Of course we seem to just go to the extreme in what we do in the ludicrous behavior, but that’s sad.

CNN had something last week where they showed these young girls that were dressed up in these tights or stockings and they were dancing to Beyoncé.  They were only nine and eleven years old. On CNN they were talking about if this should be permitted, but this is what is being promoted. So they are only acting out, what is being put in front of them. And the mothers are so silly and ignorant and blind to what the enemy is doing. The daughters, just as the Bible says, are a reflection of the mother.

EM: How was it growing up, in the absence of your father, into a man and the man you are now and the man you are becoming?

IM: It wasn’t easy, because I did not long for my father and to have a son-father relationship until I was well into my adult life, after I was married.  As a matter of fact I was in my 30’s. My mother always thought that was strange, and I began to question that as well.  When I look back, even with the circumstances of that time, I did not meet my father physically until I was six or seven.  My mother told us about him and we knew that we were a part of some secret.  We didn’t know why until we were much older. We suffered the ridicule of our classmates being mocked and laughed at, because we didn’t have a father.  It made me feel strange growing up. I did look for the male presence and the male figure.  There were uncles in the family that I attached myself to.  There were good brothers from the mosque that provided for me and my brothers a good example. One particular brother who took time from his family and spent lots of time with us and did lots of activities that boys would do.  By the time I was thirteen, because I never had the relationship as a young boy though I was seeking it and wanting it, I felt myself getting close to a man who was a father and a husband and had a family then I was always feeling out of place and in some cases rejected by his children.  I kept my distance and managed those relationships as carefully as possible, because I was a child that was easily liked. The men always took a liking to me, and I was always very obedient and cooperative. I did things to please, and I did the things that their children did not do.  I was always the one they favored, so I think that’s one of the things that set up envy, jealousy, and resentment.  When I saw all of those dynamics and forces playing out, I left it alone. Of course the Minister played a huge role in my life but I always knew that there were limitations there as well.  It took years for me to realize even his fatherly love of me.

Even as a mature man, with my own children, I miss my father.  I miss the freedom that one can enjoy in a healthy relationship by just communicating things to a father. I miss the fatherly counsel knowing that that’s your father at the end of the day. Even if he gets upset or a point of disagreement, it’s okay, it’s dad.  I miss that, and I still wish for it in a sense.  I wish that I could just talk to my dad and share some things.  Just to hear it from him.  I don’t think that he’s satisfied with my growth in that sense, because the standard is so high.  I know that there are things that I’ve done that have displeased him, but it doesn’t matter. Even if he expresses his displeasure it’s okay, because that’s my dad and he’ll love me anyway.  I miss it. It’s been difficult, but I thank Allah again for my mother, because even in the absence of having or enjoying a father-son relationship or with a male figure that was dominate in my life, it was her connecting her children to Allah Who came in the Person of Master Fard Muhammad.

So as a young boy even as my father was among us, I was always seeking and connecting with Fard.  To me to this very day, I say this in a very endearing and affectionate way, that’s my man! Master Fard Muhammad, there is something that I deeply love about Him. I knew that He was the source and He was the one responsible for making my father who and what he was and has become.  Even when my father left, I always felt that Master Fard Muhammad was looking over me and my family and we had nothing to worry about.  I knew all of the hardship, the trouble, and the trials that we were going through; it was because He permitted it.  Everything that has happened in our Nation one way or another, the good with the bad and the bad with the good, it’s all because of Him.  So I’m straight, I’m fine.  Even the things I don’t understand, every night I talk to Him.  So for me that’s my man, and I love Him.

My mother asked me, “You don’t want to see your father?” I don’t mind seeing him.  I don’t think that I’m worthy to be in his presence.  Maybe it’s because he’s my father and I think that in some way I’ve disappointed him.  She said, “You want to see Master Fard Muhammad before your father”?  I said, “Yes”.  If I never see my father again it would make no difference to me.  But the person I do want to see is Master Fard Muhammad.  If I could just get with Him, I’m straight.  It can be for just a few minutes.  To meet Him and to greet Him.  I have questions for Him that’s of the deepest of wisdom.  He is just the man to me and if I could just talk with Master Fard Muhammad…Every night I talk with Him and I talk to my father, but it’s something when I bring Him up.  He gives me so much peace.  I never once felt, even though this is the God, that in all of my shortcomings and in all of my transgression that He was judgmental.  So even when I mess up, I felt that I could always go to Him, and He’d say, “It’s okay Ish.  Get this right.”, and I’d say, “Okay, yes Sir”.

EM: Thank you so much for your time and for sharing your thoughts on this subject.

IM: All praise is due to Allah. It was my honor. 

Are you in an abusive relationship? People in these relationships sometimes mistake the abuse for intense feelings of caring or concern. It can even seem flattering. Do you know what signs to look for? Research shows that in 2011 nearly 60% of women have experienced an abusive relationship, and men make up 40% .  According to BatteredMen.com, 835,000 men are battered each year. Rescue.org reports that 1 in 3 women experience some form of abuse (physical, emotional or both).  Below are some warning signs of potentially abusive partners.

They are extremely jealous- They accuse you of flirting if you acknowledge someone else. They think everyone wants you. They imagine situations that don’t exist.

They run guilt trips – They tend to manipulate a situation to make you feel guilty (going out with friends, being happy, enjoying a new job, doing something nice for yourself, etc.). They attempt to make you feel guilty moving your feelings of positivity to a mood of negativity and self-neglect. Eventually you will stop enjoying the pleasures in life, because they have imposed and associated feelings of guilt with joy. You may also find yourself apologizing unnecessarily.

Your partner is controlling – In the beginning of a relationship it may seem endearing that your partner wants to know where you are at all times. To you it seems they really care for you. They keep tabs, and they say they want you to feel safe. They may call or text-stalk you if you take too long to respond. This may be a subtle sign in the early stages, but it can quickly turn into more aggressive behavior with wanting to know where you are every waking moment.

You have been isolated from family, friends and those who “have your back” – an abusive partner doesn’t want you to have any allies so that they can continue to abuse you without opposition. Also, making sure you are alone ensures that no one can help you see the light or encourage you to stand up for yourself. This is a subtle type of control; isolating the individual and creating an environment where you are totally dependent on them. They use the guise of wanting to spend time with you and will make excuses for you not to be with others.

Your partner constantly puts you down - Breaking a person’s self esteem is another form of emotional abuse and control. This form can be considered the most dangerous. Once your partner has you in a vulnerable state they can control everything about you.

You change / You lose yourself - You once had a bubbly spirit & now you’re emotional tone is aloof and/or depressed.

Your opinion doesn’t matter - a healthy relationship is a partnership. Both parties involved should have equal input in what happens in it. Your feelings and opinions should be as important as the other persons.

You have a constant feeling of hopelessness - a relationship should enhance your life, not stifle it. You should not constantly feel like you have no choices or that you are being forced to stay in the relationship.

You have more fear than respect - there is a very thin line between fear and respect in most relationships. There is also a distinct difference in watching what you say or how you say it out of respect and not saying anything, because you are afraid.

How to Break Free:

Re-establish those relationships that were lost. Make phone calls and take time to meet up with those family members and friends. Make time and opportunity to attend family functions and festive events that you once enjoyed.

Find someone that you trust to open up and talk to about what you are experiencing. You never know, they may have experienced the same thing and can offer you swift and effective advice.

Make a list of positive affirmations (use the Internet if need be) to repeat to yourself daily to help re-establish your self-esteem.

Get involved in volunteer work to reconnect with others and form a support base.

Make time to work out. Working out and doing something nice for yourself increases self-esteem, confidence and overall well-being.

Establish a “sponsor”, whether it be a friend, family member, minister, etc. for those moments of weakness when you feel the need to call the abuser. There will be times when you feel that you are strong enough to engage in conversation with him/her, however this is precisely when you should not call. This person has the ability to break you back down to zero. Therefore, do not leave it to chance. When you find yourself wanting to call or text this person, call your “sponsor” pronto!

These signs and tips were brought to you by Alicia, Bridgett, DiLauris, Niedria, Ebony , Kimyon and Kemba.

#SpeakOut #SpeakUp

Picture, if you will, a beautiful little girl with not a care in the world. Five years old for most is a time filled with great wonders and adventure. However, what happens when that innocent and precious time in your life is tainted by the evil hand of molestation? You are placed in a world of silent torment, as your accuser has purposely painted a picture of promised brutality to anyone you may think of reaching out to for help. Typically, this is the state of mind for many of us when this type of misplaced disruption occurs in our lives. This is quite a high bill to pay for someone who has barely mastered the art of tying their shoes and reciting their alphabet. The ones we love most our mother, father and often times grandparents who are normally there to protect us and keep the boogeyman at bay, are no longer there to protect us or so it may seem.  God has a strong distaste for anyone that is capable of bringing harm to his children.

Luke 17: 1-2

 “Things that cause a people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin”.

The only thing I could think of was that I must have done something to displease God, and that is why he allowed me to be befouled. As time went on, I was traumatized. I subconsciously blocked the event out of my mind. When I was able to see the incident for what it was, I could somewhat comprehend how this situation cast an invisible spell over my life. Even though I had not acknowledged the incident since the days of my youth, that incident played a vital part in the many encounters with the men in my life. Through therapy, I was able to confirm I had always seen myself as an outcast. Only after being able to speak with someone professionally was I able to conclude this incident was not my fault. Growing up, even though we attended church on a regular basis, I could never quite grasp the concept of GOD loving me. When you are in denial, that situation will totally consume you. Though you may think you are doing a great job with handling the situation it has an adverse affect on how you view yourself, which will ultimately filter over into how you are viewed by others.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

So the first step is to acknowledge the secret. As a culture we are taught certain things are not to be discussed in public. This is what allows those generational curses to continue. Everyone knows about it but no one wants to speak on it for fear of disgracing the family name. The second step is to seek therapy professionally. This will allow you to bring that demon to light and shed the myth that you were at fault. The third step is to join a local group in your area that offers group sessions to contact with someone that can actually relate to what you are going through. Lastly keep God first and above continue to pray and ask for his direction. Sometimes most of the difficult valleys in our life will ultimately serve a purpose for God’s divine destiny for our lives. Your testimony can be the saving grace for someone that may be experiencing the same type of torment. Never take lightly the trials you endure as there is always a silver lining on the horizon, even if it is meant for someone else. Hold your head high and reclaim power over your life. God is forever present and will be the bonding you need to put the pieces back together. And yes you can eventually have the life you have so long deserved as long as you believe God will make a way.

Be Blessed,

Lady 4.0

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 
Contact:

Samantha MC Luck
www.SamanthaMCLuck.com
luck.samantha@gmail.com
            202.246.3465      

Author Leaves an Impression with Her First Novel
Samantha MC Luck Explores Love, Fear and Rebellion in Organic Leaves

Hyattsville, MD –– Self-published author, Samantha MC Luck, releases her debut novel, Organic Leaves. When Melanie Bridges, a beautiful, single, successful D.C. journalist decides to attend her first love Derrick’s wedding to her college nemesis, Katira, she thought she would finally close that chapter of her life for good. Instead she unknowingly opens up a world of deceit, betrayal and more heartache than she had ever bargained for.

Organic Leaves is the literary “baby” of author Samantha MC Luck, who took several years to birth a story filled with experiences not only familiar to her, but those that also mirror the journey through life, love and loss that many young women have faced. This must-read novel explores what happens when Melanie realizes she is no longer the person she once was – she lost her organic and authentic self.

“I wrote this book to unleash a range of emotions all at once. If you don’t see yourself in this book, you definitely have a friend, a sister or cousin that is just like one of my characters,” said the author. “It amazes me how we, and even myself at times, think we’re islands; that we’re all alone dealing with issues unfamiliar to everyone else. It’s simply not true.”

In this imaginative yet realistic novel, uncover the parallels between fiction and reality as the author reveals how, despite secrets, lies and buried memories, Melanie rediscovers herself with the help of her three best friends, by facing her fears and through the power of faith and prayer.

Organic Leaves is available for digital download and can be found at Smashwords (http://goo.gl/Dau2E) for iBooks; and on Amazon (http://goo.gl/vJwR6) for Kindle. Follow Organic Leaves on Twitter at www.twitter.com/Organic_Leaves.

Samantha MC Luck resides in the Greater Washington DC area and works in trade publishing. She is currently working on her second novel. For more information on the author, visit www.SamanthaMCLuck.com and find her page on Facebook: “Samantha MC Luck”.

]]> http://www.h2hmag.info/new-author-samantha-luck-releases-first-novel/feed/ 4 http://www.h2hmag.info/movement-speak-up-speak-out-on-sunday-feb-12-2012-i-was-assaulted/ http://www.h2hmag.info/movement-speak-up-speak-out-on-sunday-feb-12-2012-i-was-assaulted/#comments Tue, 06 Mar 2012 17:28:59 +0000 EbonyMuhammad http://www.h2hmag.info/?p=685

Movement: Speak Up Speak Out!

On Sunday, Feb. 12, 2012 I Was Assaulted At the Home of My Child’s Father…

The Snow ball effect is a figurative term for a process that starts from an initial state of small significance and builds upon itself, becoming larger (graver, more serious), and perhaps potentially dangerous or disastrous (a vicious circle, a “spiral of decline.) The snow ball effect can be used to describe the effect of ongoing lies. Once you tell one, you end up telling another and another. Hence the ball of snow picking up more snow as it rolls.

WHAT HAPPENED? Minutes before his uncle Roland Griffin arrived from California, Tramell informed me and asked me what I was going to do. To my surprise that he was suggesting I should be doing something since his uncle was coming, but realizing that he was worried about his uncle knowing I was there; I replied back to him, “What do you mean what am I going to do? You are going to have to tell your uncle that I just stopped by”. He replied, “No, I already told him you were not here”. To that I replied, “I have nothing to do with the lies you have told your uncle. You have to come up with something”. I told him there was nothing lying around his house to suggest anything more than that I just stopped by with the baby- so what was the problem with me being there.

As time drew nearer to his uncle’s arrival, he asked again, “Niedria, what are you going to do? You cannot be here when he gets here”. I asked why, as I felt every right to ask since Tramell was the one who asked me there in the first place. Also, this was an arrangement that we came up with to accommodate Tramell’s complicated work schedule which challenged his court ordered visitation days; As was him being knowledgeable that I moved to Alabama until I found work since I had no place to stay in Houston. I felt my child needed a relationship with his father, so I made no argument about traveling back to Houston from Alabama for him to see him on days he was not at work even though they were outside of the court ordered days. I even took it a step further and gave him weeks at a time to spend with his son. So, since I was there at his request and by my willingness; I saw no reason that I was being told to leave, or go run and hide the fact that Tramell and I were on speaking terms.

I expressed that to him and suggested that he must be telling lies about me to his family again.  He answered, “You cannot be here because you are not supposed to be here”. I asked him, “Why exactly am I not supposed to be here? This is your home, by whose instruction was I not supposed to be here”? He never replied. “Leave because I don’t want you here”, he continued to state,  because his uncle was coming. So I processed that as we are hiding something.  Since I had nothing to hide, I reminded him that he asked me to be there- and that I was not going to aid and abet lies and deceit by camping out at a park or driving around to hide the fact that I was at the house. I told him that by him asking me to do that, it VALIDATED everything I have said about him telling lies, deceiving people in his family trying to make them believe that I am such a horrible person and mother.

I went on to say that it is not right that he would continue to have people believe these lies and to top it off by making them think we are not having effective communication. I could not understand why it was so important for him to keep a secret that we were on what I would call, good terms. I questioned what it must have been that he told them so bad about me that it was killing him, for his uncle to find out I was at his home.

“Why would there be a problem with me being here”? I asked. My child is here, you and I are on good terms and furthermore, I have not done anything to you or your family”-so I insisted that he tell me what was going on and why I was not “supposed to be there”. I was not going to leave without my child and I told him that I will stay there and speak to his uncle. If there is a problem, we need to get to the bottom of it right now anyway so that we can move on and raise this child without hostility from family.

Tramell became upset at that but before anything else could happen, his uncle being minutes away from the house—He asked me for the keys to my car so that he can back my car out of the garage so that his uncle will not know I have been at the house. While he was moving the car, his uncle drove up.

The four of us, including my child were in the house about 20 minutes before I asked Tramell if he were going to church since it was 10:45a and he kept saying he was going to feed our child at church. He replied, “I am waiting to see what you are going to do”. Once again, I replied “What am I supposed to do? I am in town so that you can see your son-I have nowhere to go right now. Be reminded that if I leave, I have to get on the road and travel back to Alabama, so child has to go with me. Therefore, I needed clarity on what everyone was going to do at this point. So, I asked his uncle “Mr. Roland, are you just passing through or are you staying the night”? This would have given me a gage on how long he was going to be there and would have let me know what I was going to do. It outraged Tramell that I asked his uncle this (He later told me dad that this was disrespecting his uncle) When Tramell interrupted his uncle telling me what his plans were, I explained to his uncle that the reason I was asking him this question is because I need to know what I am going to do since I just found out that morning that I was not “supposed to be there”, although I had been there all week.

THE ASSAULT: After those words rolled off my tongue, Tramell sprung from his seat a foot away and charged me. He grabbed me by my neck with both of his hands, forcing me from an upright forward position until my back was against the chair. He pushed me back with so much force that the front two feet of the single seat sofa came up off the floor and back down. He held me restrained by neck, to the back of the head rest, thrusting me back and forth and said, “I will kill you Bitch!” I could see his uncle get up from his chair, which was directly in front of me face to face roughly 6 feet away. He pulled Tramell back. I reached for the phone to call police. I could hear his uncle tell him that he cannot do that in front of a child. I reported assault by contact and threat on my life. Once I realized Tramell was outside I went back downstairs where his uncle was. I explained to him that this was not the first time this has happened but that I was glad I had a witness this time. His uncle strayed from that conversation to say that we need to do better than that. I agreed with him but wonder what was it that he missed about what just happened that he was not competent enough to draw the conclusion that something is wrong with his nephew for getting that upset about me revealing that we have effective communication.  I told him that he should question that as well. I told him that their family should intervene and there is no reason someone should get that upset over their family knowing that we are on good terms. I added that there are lies being told and if Tramell family would allow him to be human and make mistakes he would not have to lie so much to them. He wouldn’t have had to lie in the beginning and therefore wouldn’t be trying to cover anything up. I told him that he should be able to look at what just happened and figure out that there is more than meets the eye. For Tramell uncle to place me in the category with his nephew and say that WE need to do better for our child, let me know that he did not see his nephew at fault. I told him that by my understanding, WE were “doing better” and that it was not until that morning that it was thrust upon me that I was not supposed to be in the house. I told him that no one should be able to dictate who a grown man can allow in his home, but because they have-this has become the result.

When the police arrived, Mr. Roland Griffin told the officer that he didn’t see anything. He told them that we did not appear to be arguing and that we were not in the same room. I plead my case to the police and the deputy who arrived. I was given 2-3minutes to tell my story while Tramell listened and interjected. However, when Tramell began to tell his side—-he told the police I made up the entire event. The police asked me to step away from all of them. I explained to the police that I wanted to press charges because I have a witness. Obviously, not knowing that the witness would lie; I guess I live in a world where I still think people do what they are supposed to do. The District Attorney was called. As a result of the version of the police officers story, which sided with Tramell and his uncle, the District Attorney did not accept charges. The police did not pursue further. The investigating officer, who never investigated, said that since I had no bruises, marks, scars or blood then it was my word against two people.

THE REVELATION: Speaking up and speaking out is detrimental. You enable the abuser when you protect them. I decided to speak out about this because it is domestic violence no matter if I were bleeding upon cop’s arrival. Violence against women has no place! It starts with simple assault. Perhaps this is the abuser testing the waters to see what and how much he/she can get away with. When there are no consequences, it happens again, as in my case. When someone will assault you in the presence of someone else, with no regard, they know that they are safe from ruin and they will do it again. When they do this, it speaks volumes about how untouchable and powerful they must think they are. When the police rest on a conclusion that if there is no blood or bruises, the abuser hears I can get away with this as long as I don’t leave a scar.

THE ABUSER: When the police were there the first time this happened years ago, in giving his version of the story to the office; out of the blue, Tramell mentioned that he was a pharmacist. For him to continue to throw his PhD around in instances like this says there is also negligence displayed in law enforcement that they would see him as a more credible person since he holds a PhD. Most abusers know this. A lot of them are in positions of power or positions with authority. They are used to being in charge and want to make that connection with law enforcement.

The abuser will make the abusee appear to be needy; they will attempt to discredit the abusee by assassinating their character. Their objective is to convince the law and anyone else who will listen, that they have everything to lose, therefore would never do such a thing; and that the abusee has nothing. In my case, for Tramell to mention that I was unemployed, not looking for a job, sitting around the house all day collecting child support and looking at family feud; whereas he is a pharmacist, was his malicious way to skew the officer’s perception of me and therefore finding his story more believable. While the only part of that which is true, the fact that I am unemployed by corporate America, it still has nothing to do with him assaulting me. It was not even the topic of discussion.

Anyone would agree that effective communication is key between two parents when raising a child. It does not matter if the parents are together in the same house, married or apart and co-parenting from two separate house holes. When both parents are able to communicate with each other cordially and respectfully, it fosters a healthy environment. Families on both sides of the parents also play a role. Their role is to encourage communication between the parents and/or support the parents want to have healthy communication for the sake of the child. When you have families on either side that influence one of the parents otherwise, a snowball can occur. When one parent is dishonest and deceitful about the relationship that he/she is having with the child’s mother/father, a snowball can occur as well.

So what would make a person be dishonest about having a working relationship with their child’s mother/father? Isn’t that what you should have? I know one thing in particular. If you have told one lie about the parent that lead to another and another, in efforts to make yourself look good and the other parent look bad; it has ultimately shaped your family perception of that parent to the point of no return. Fostering a lie is perpetuating the lie…leading people to believe one thing encourages them to act a certain way—. You are single-handedly responsible for manipulating a situation and now you have a snowball. You have placed yourself in a situation where you have to continue the lie and now to more people or you will have to face the humiliation of truth about your snowball of lies.

Freely Speaking,

Niedria Kenny